In May 2015, five years sober and a new mom, I got divorced. Miraculously, I was able to do it with my head held high. After starting my marriage off with an affair in 2009, I decided to change my life. I entered recovery and spent the following years sober and faithful, the best wife I could be. But we grew apart, and less than a year after our daughter was born, we split up.
Then I fell in love again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be head over heels in love with someone, and quite honestly it knocked me off my feet. I thought God had finally answered all my prayers. I thought I had finally gotten what I wanted: the dream come true.
In our second year together, my boyfriend came clean after months of drug use that I did not know about. I felt broken like I had not ever felt before. The healing was slow and painful. We are both doing the work, but it is hard.
Of course, this most painful heartbreak has also been my greatest teacher. After a lifetime defined by the desperate search for someone to give me unconditional perfect love, I was shown more clearly than ever that the person I was looking for was within me all along, and what is more, that I was already forgiven for all the times I had betrayed myself in pursuit of the love I never knew I always had.
To speak of any of this without speaking of my writing would be a lie. Telling my story through the written word and sharing it with others has been an integral part of my healing journey even before I knew I was on one. The blank page has been my closest confidant in my darkest hours. It has given and shown me so much; helped me to see the beauty in myself, my loved ones, the world around me, and God. It has helped me to grieve, to forgive, and to love. It has revealed hidden truths and facilitated my connection with the deeper world around me. It is a channel for worship and service, and for the Divine.
I believe that it is by connecting with each other that we learn to connect more deeply with ourselves and to the Divine within each of us. This is where I find the love, peace, and connection I have always yearned for. To get there, my recipe consists largely of authentic, vulnerable connection with others, putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys) on a regular basis, and getting quiet with myself and God daily.
As far as I'm concerned, writing is prayer, and sharing myself and my writing with the world is service. This is how we connect and heal: By putting our authentic, vulnerable selves into the world we declare our willingness to show up as the truest version of ourselves, and we help each other and the world to do the same. This is the Good Work we were sent here to do.
I believe that we are inextricably linked to one another and that while these links cannot be broken, they can be forgotten. My writing helps me remember that I am connected to you and to the Divine, and I hope it reminds you of the same.